Proceedings and Matters of Importance

Hike

Hi Sig.

I’ll just post this here. Too big for email.

Not sure I want to do this anymore. I mean, I am sure of that.

I just don’t know if I have a choice.

I went up last Saturday and I’ve been thinking about it since. I recorded it with the little recorder you gave me.

It cut off at the end, but I didn’t find anything. The trees are still there, obviously. Don’t know what I thought I’d find. Lots of trees down; makes it all feel too open, dangerous.

I thought I’d feel something, maybe. An aura. Or maybe Scott, waiting. I don’t know if I wanted that or was afraid of it.

My wife and I have been fighting. Over nothing, really. Stupid things. Where we put the dishes.

Don’t know why I mentioned it, but I’m not sure my head’s in the right place.

Call me tonight. We need to figure out what we’re doing next, if we’re doing anything. OK?

p.s. It was just some hunter. Not that kind of hunter, of course.

Owls and Wolves

Hi Sig,

First off, I know this is a blog and not a letter, but sorry to hear about the job. I guess I wasn’t sure what to say on the phone earlier. This new economy, you know, what has it done to my manners?

Anyway. Sorry. So, when we got cut off I was trying to say the following:

I went back home over the weekend and did some looking around. I mostly just milled about, hung out on the river bank, etc. Not much happened, perhaps unsurprisingly. Not sure what I thought would  - I think I half expected events to just coalesce around me. Sometimes I have the sense that I’m bad luck, that things follow me around, just waiting to befall hapless bystanders. Of course, when I try to use it to my own advantage, nothing. Figures.

Anyway, I drifted over by Wells-Turner and browsed the stacks a bit. It’s all new inside, renovated, and it has a really nice upstairs with windows and comfy chairs – it isn’t at all how I remembered it. I used to like how musty it was, how dim inside. No windows, just row after row of yellowing books, always quiet, maybe the sound of people whispering from somewhere over in the stacks, people you could never quite catch sight of. It felt like a secret world, an adult world, where kids weren’t supposed to go, but I had snuck in somehow and they’d never think to look for me there, of all places.

I hope to get this across to my son someday, but he’ll have the internet and can just Google whatever he wants. So.

Anyway, the books are all rearranged and things weren’t as I remembered, so I just walked aimlessly around until I found myself staring down at a certain book, and it all came flooding back. I mean, is this weird? Do you believe in the collective subconscious, or fate, or any of that stuff? Because, I mean, Jesus, Sig. Really?

I wasn’t expecting that. And I wasn’t looking for it, really. It just kind of ended up in my hands, and I think a bunch of kids in soccer uniforms that happened to be trailing through the library saw me shaking and sweating and probably thought I was having a fit.

I’ve been leafing through it for the better part of two hours. Even now, it’s very…hard isn’t the word. It’s unsettling. It brings everything back.

Did you know that Goya painted many of his darker works on the walls of his home? He’d come down with some kind of physical affliction, something that destroyed his hearing and ruined his nerves. He felt stifled, inside all the time, and began to transcend the limitations of the canvas, spilling his dreams out onto his surroundings. He painted wars and nightmares. They’re called his “Black Paintings.” They’d be hard to look at even without what happened.

See anything you recognize?

owls

I did a bit of Googling myself ( hey, I own a computer, after all ) and found this one online ( notice the hats ) The whole thing just feels overwhelming. I mean, I can remember that first night like it was yesterday. I remember sleeping on the floor, remember gazing up at the ceiling and seeing the pictures there – brushed on with those huge, rough strokes of his – certainly no masterwork, but evocative and powerful because of their amateurishness.

 

The hardest, though, was the last page. I had to put the book down, but I snapped a picture for you:

wolf

The inscription is Spanish. It says: “Wretched humanity, the fault is yours.”

The worst part? Check out the bottom of the page.

quote

What are we doing, Sig?

Test? Does this thing work?

This is a test post. Hello sig!

Hmm…Let me post something you’ll appreciate.

Remember? Creepy, right? It was in with everything else, rolled up. Thankfully I was able to scan it in and clean it up a bit.

That’s all for now, Beth’s calling. My wife.

More soon,

n